So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
