This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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