I must be too annoying 4 u.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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