I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
We have started to decorate penises.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
