The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
