Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
if only i could text you this smell
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
