youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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