you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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