Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
