My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
