I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
