He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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