Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
