Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
