i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Randomize
