filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
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