Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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