I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Verdict: uncircumcised.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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