I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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