Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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