Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize