I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
