you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
