she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Randomize
