Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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