It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize