maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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