I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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