Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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