she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
