when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize