It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
