I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
