Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
