Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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