She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
