my phone cant type all the emotion im having
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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