Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
