Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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