apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
