Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
