That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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