he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
