Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
