You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
