I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
