my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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