Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
