Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Damn victory sex feels great
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
