I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
