it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
