Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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