Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
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