I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
