My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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