When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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