The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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