I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Fuck appropriateness.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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