3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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