You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
