Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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