Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
