i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize