I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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