pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
