my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
