I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
send nudes
from the living room?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
