Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
